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    ELEANOR (an excerpt from a 10-minute serio-comedy)

 

          Copyright © Martha Patterson                                    

 

 

CAST OF CHARACTERS

 

CHARLES - 50s-70s, male

LULU - 50s-70s, female

 

 

SCENE: A church in London.

TIME: The present.

 

 

SYNOPSIS: At a funeral in a church, chatty Charles strikes up a conversation with reluctant Lulu. 

 

 

                                                            *****

 

AT RISE:  A man and a woman are seated near each other in a pew.

 

 

CHARLES

Too bad about her.

 

LULU

Yes.

 

CHARLES

No idea what she died of.

 

LULU

Nor me.

 

CHARLES

Food poisoning?

 

LULU

Can't say.

 

CHARLES

Alzheimer's?

 

LULU

Haven't a clue.

 

CHARLES

Well, what then?

 

LULU

I told you, I don't know.

 

CHARLES

Were you a friend?

 

LULU

No. I just happened to pop in to say prayers.

 

CHARLES

Me as well.

 

LULU

It's very sad.

 

CHARLES

Yes.

 

LULU

There's nobody here.

 

                                                    CHARLES

Tell me –

 

                                                    LULU

Yes?

 

                                                    CHARLES

I feel sure I’ve met you before –

 

                                                    LULU

Oh, I don’t think so –

 

                                                    CHARLES

Really?  I feel sure –

 

                                                    LULU

No.  We’ve never met.

 

CHARLES (Pulling something out of his pocket.)

Ah.  Nonetheless, you look very familiar.  Would you like an Eccles cake? I've got some here in this bag.

 

LULU (Taking one.)

Thank you.

 

CHARLES

Got off early from work. I'd like to retire, but my wife used up all my money.

 

LULU

Oh.

 

CHARLES

She's dead now, too.

 

LULU

Sorry. I never married.

 

CHARLES

What, a pretty woman like you?

 

LULU

You're too kind.

 

CHARLES

My father always said a woman can never receive too many compliments.

 

LULU

He sounds like a gent.

 

CHARLES

He was a Member of Parliament.

 

LULU

Really?

 

CHARLES

Yes. That's a very nice hat you're wearing.

 

LULU

Another compliment.

 

CHARLES

Ah, well...I always believed in taking the bull by the horns.

 

LULU

I had the chance of an engagement once, but he died, too - of a heart attack.

 

CHARLES

Good God!

 

LULU

Yes, well, he was overweight.

 

CHARLES

I'm so sorry. But -- what say you and I go for some fish and chips this afternoon, after this?

 

LULU

You're awfully forward.

 

CHARLES

Call it a tribute to Eleanor.

 

LULU

How do you know her name?

 

CHARLES

I looked at the card on the casket.

 

LULU

She must have been a lonely woman.

 

CHARLES

Yes, but that doesn't mean WE have to be.

 

LULU

Fish and chips?

 

CHARLES

My treat.

 

LULU

You're very kind.

 

CHARLES

I try. Let's both say a prayer for Eleanor.

          (They get on their knees. He crosses himself and speaks in Latin, "Rest in peace.")

"Requiascat in pace."

 

LULU  (She crosses herself also.)

Amen. Actually, she was my aunt.

 

CHARLES

You're joking!

 

LULU

No. I'm sorry to say my family was very unkind to her.

 

CHARLES

But - why?

 

LULU

She had an out-of-wedlock child.

 

CHARLES

No!

 

LULU

That's less surprising today than it was 50 years ago.

 

CHARLES

Indeed.

 

LULU

I didn't want to tell you.

 

CHARLES

Of course.

 

LULU

The child died later, of scarlet fever.

 

CHARLES

How awful!

 

LULU

Actually, the family was relieved.

 

CHARLES

Hm.

 

LULU

Her being unmarried and everything.

 

CHARLES

Must have been difficult.

 

LULU

It was. The family sent her off to the country. And if you want to know the truth, she passed away of simple old age.

 

CHARLES

I see... Better that way than any other.

 

LULU

I suppose so.

 

                                                   CHARLES

I know where I met you!  At that poetry reading group!  In Notting Hill Gate!

 

                                                    LULU

Really?

 

                                                    CHARLES

Yes!  I went there because I wanted to meet new people.  And I’ve tried my hand at poetry.  A bit.  Never felt I was very good at it, though.  You read a poem about Winston Churchill!

 

                                                    LULU

Oh.  Yes, well…I have tried my hand at poetry.

 

                                                    CHARLES

It was about his patriotism!

 

                                                     LULU  (Smiles.)

A great man.  And a great leader.  He was so – eloquent.  Perhaps we HAVE met.  I do dabble in poetry.  Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

 

                                                     CHARLES

Yes!  He was famous for his quotations.  “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

 

            (CHARLES laughs.)

 

                                                     LULU

Well, THAT was rather unkind.

 

                                                     CHARLES

I thought it was funny, nonetheless.  And I – I – am not an unkind man.

 

                                                     LULU  (Smiles.)

No, you don’t seem to be.

 

                                                     CHARLES

So.  Written any new poetry lately?.....

 

          (End of excerpt.)

 

*****

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