ELEANOR (an excerpt from a 10-minute serio-comedy)
Copyright © Martha Patterson
CAST OF CHARACTERS
CHARLES - 50s-70s, male
LULU - 50s-70s, female
SCENE: A church in London.
TIME: The present.
SYNOPSIS: At a funeral in a church, chatty Charles strikes up a conversation with reluctant Lulu.
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AT RISE: A man and a woman are seated near each other in a pew.
CHARLES
Too bad about her.
LULU
Yes.
CHARLES
No idea what she died of.
LULU
Nor me.
CHARLES
Food poisoning?
LULU
Can't say.
CHARLES
Alzheimer's?
LULU
Haven't a clue.
CHARLES
Well, what then?
LULU
I told you, I don't know.
CHARLES
Were you a friend?
LULU
No. I just happened to pop in to say prayers.
CHARLES
Me as well.
LULU
It's very sad.
CHARLES
Yes.
LULU
There's nobody here.
CHARLES
Tell me –
LULU
Yes?
CHARLES
I feel sure I’ve met you before –
LULU
Oh, I don’t think so –
CHARLES
Really? I feel sure –
LULU
No. We’ve never met.
CHARLES (Pulling something out of his pocket.)
Ah. Nonetheless, you look very familiar. Would you like an Eccles cake? I've got some here in this bag.
LULU (Taking one.)
Thank you.
CHARLES
Got off early from work. I'd like to retire, but my wife used up all my money.
LULU
Oh.
CHARLES
She's dead now, too.
LULU
Sorry. I never married.
CHARLES
What, a pretty woman like you?
LULU
You're too kind.
CHARLES
My father always said a woman can never receive too many compliments.
LULU
He sounds like a gent.
CHARLES
He was a Member of Parliament.
LULU
Really?
CHARLES
Yes. That's a very nice hat you're wearing.
LULU
Another compliment.
CHARLES
Ah, well...I always believed in taking the bull by the horns.
LULU
I had the chance of an engagement once, but he died, too - of a heart attack.
CHARLES
Good God!
LULU
Yes, well, he was overweight.
CHARLES
I'm so sorry. But -- what say you and I go for some fish and chips this afternoon, after this?
LULU
You're awfully forward.
CHARLES
Call it a tribute to Eleanor.
LULU
How do you know her name?
CHARLES
I looked at the card on the casket.
LULU
She must have been a lonely woman.
CHARLES
Yes, but that doesn't mean WE have to be.
LULU
Fish and chips?
CHARLES
My treat.
LULU
You're very kind.
CHARLES
I try. Let's both say a prayer for Eleanor.
(They get on their knees. He crosses himself and speaks in Latin, "Rest in peace.")
"Requiascat in pace."
LULU (She crosses herself also.)
Amen. Actually, she was my aunt.
CHARLES
You're joking!
LULU
No. I'm sorry to say my family was very unkind to her.
CHARLES
But - why?
LULU
She had an out-of-wedlock child.
CHARLES
No!
LULU
That's less surprising today than it was 50 years ago.
CHARLES
Indeed.
LULU
I didn't want to tell you.
CHARLES
Of course.
LULU
The child died later, of scarlet fever.
CHARLES
How awful!
LULU
Actually, the family was relieved.
CHARLES
Hm.
LULU
Her being unmarried and everything.
CHARLES
Must have been difficult.
LULU
It was. The family sent her off to the country. And if you want to know the truth, she passed away of simple old age.
CHARLES
I see... Better that way than any other.
LULU
I suppose so.
CHARLES
I know where I met you! At that poetry reading group! In Notting Hill Gate!
LULU
Really?
CHARLES
Yes! I went there because I wanted to meet new people. And I’ve tried my hand at poetry. A bit. Never felt I was very good at it, though. You read a poem about Winston Churchill!
LULU
Oh. Yes, well…I have tried my hand at poetry.
CHARLES
It was about his patriotism!
LULU (Smiles.)
A great man. And a great leader. He was so – eloquent. Perhaps we HAVE met. I do dabble in poetry. Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
CHARLES
Yes! He was famous for his quotations. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”
(CHARLES laughs.)
LULU
Well, THAT was rather unkind.
CHARLES
I thought it was funny, nonetheless. And I – I – am not an unkind man.
LULU (Smiles.)
No, you don’t seem to be.
CHARLES
So. Written any new poetry lately?.....
(End of excerpt.)
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